Some people believe that a poem should be written perfectly in one try. Others claim just the opposite, saying, “A poem is never complete, just abandoned.” Between these two extremes is the middle path. You may be pleasantly surprised to see how revision makes a poem deeper and more interesting than the original draft. In this column, study how the revision process develops a poem from first draft to its completed form.
Look closely at two drafts of the poem, “Roads and Avenues.” The first one was written in 2000, while on a road trip in the western United States. The second one was written five years later, at a sweaty desk in Bangkok, 15,000 kilometres from the original inspiration. Compare the two versions of the poem and see which one you prefer.
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Roads and Avenues, 2000 1. Gentle spaces cushion bumps from one day to the next 2. While strict roads blind and drive us ever to extinction 3. If sanity be a narrow street 4. Then I weep too quickly upon it 5. Seek the avenue that allows for weaving 6. Among proper distractions and detours 7. Cars burst upon the silence 8. And destiny upon another century |
Roads and Avenues, 2005 1. Long highway stretches are gentle spaces 2. To cushion bumps from one existence to the next 3. While strict roads blind and bore, 4. Driving us closer to extinction 5. If sanity be a narrow lane, 6. Then I weep too quickly upon it 7. Seeking the avenue that allows for random weaving 8. Among proper distractions and official detours 9. Cars whip victoriously around the dynamite corner 10. Bursting upon the flatland silence 11. As destiny imposes its masterful, 8-cylinder roar 12. Upon another sullied century |
Revision decision
Revising a poem requires many decisions. The best word choices are not always obvious. Many times, it is difficult to explain each alteration. The following list explains each change to the poem. As you examine the revision process, judge for yourself whether or not you agree with the modified words. The line numbers refer to the revised poem of 2005.
1. “Long highway stretches” gives the feeling of wide open country.
2. “Existence” suggests a more profound (deep) theme than “day” in the first poem.
3. “Bore” has been added to improve the rhythm. The /b/ sound also matches the /b/ in “blind.” This is the technique of alliteration; matching consonant sounds to create unity.
4. “Closer” is a more specific word choice than “ever.”
5. “Lane” has a warmer, home-like feeling. Also, the /n/ sound in “lane” alliterates with the /n/ sound in “sanity” and “narrow.”
7. “Random” makes the driving feel more wild and care-free, breaking free from the “narrow lanes of sanity.”
8. “Official” emphasizes the “properness” of the law. “Proper” and “official” are suggested to contrast with the sense of “random weaving” in line 7.
9. This whole new line expresses the vision of a “dynamited,” damaged, polluted society. It greatly develops the theme in the poem from five years earlier.
10. “Flatland” calls attention to the wide open spaces of the American West.
11. “Masterful” is ironic (opposite its literal meaning) praise for cars. “8 cylinder roar” is much more specific than “burst.” This line shows that we cannot resist the “victorious” dominance of the automobile in our lives.
12. “Sullied” (soiled, dirty) stresses the criticism of pollution caused by autos.
When to revise?
The original poem sat for five years before it finally came time for revision. It had potential, but wasn’t ready for completion. Each writer has his or her own “time-lag” between the first and final drafts of a poem. At minimum, let your poems sit, undisturbed, for a week or two before you give them a fresh look.
Is five years a long time to wait? Keep in mind that the poet Marianne Moore wrote her most famous poem, “Poetry” in the 1920s. The final version of the poem was revised and published in the late 1960s. Forty-six (46) years to revise a poem? Well, we all have a lot of work to do.