It takes time for fruit to grow and ripen on the tree. If you pick it to soon, it may never be suitable for eating. If you wait too long though, the fruit may rot before you get a chance to eat it. This is an obvious truth about fruit trees, and it also applies to growing healthy poetry.
This column compares two versions of a poem, written first in 2002 and finally completed in 2005. All along, I felt that the first version of the poem had potential, but at the same time, I couldn’t get the words to “ripen.” So, I let it sit in the poet tree for a few years until now. Finally, the poem is ripe enough to read.
Compare the two versions of the poem and see how it has evolved with time. This shows the “ripening process” that applies equally to fruit, whiskey, wine and poetry.
Note: Please put these two poems in boxes side by side for comparison. In the second poem, please put the second line one tab to the right (if possible) to show a lighter text.
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Upon the Winds of the Mountain Song Released in the moment of falling beside the river Child of the wind awakes Without history to make any claims The leaf floats, faithful but to the day With equal respect to the sun and the clouds Each who might claim the leaf as its own Speaking the language of mountains and valleys As far as days can stretch and nights can yield a yawn Upon the winds of the mountain song |
Winds of the Mountain Song
Nakorn Sri Thammarat, Thailand 1. Released in a falling moment 2. Beside the dreaming river 3. Child of the wind awakes; 4. History makes no claims: 5. The golden leaf floats downstream 6. Faithful but to the day 7. With equal respect to the southern sun 8. And the swirling rural clouds 9. Each loves the leaf as its own 10. Speaking the language of mountains and poems 11. As far as days can stretch 12. And nights can yield a yawn 13. Upon the winds of the mountain song |
The poem grows up
The poem has grown and been revised in many ways. What is the overall effect of the changes? The line numbers refer to the second version of the poem.
The first thing to notice is that the title of the second poem is made more concise (to the point) by removing the first two words. At the same time, a sub-title has been added to make the poem more specific.
1. “Falling moment” is more concise; it also creates more lively personification of the moment.
2. “Dreaming” personifies the river to make it more poetic.
4. “History” at the beginning of the line is stronger than “without.” The whole line is more concise.
5. “Golden” and “downstream” are more visual and specific than the first draft of the poem.
7. “Southern” is added to describe the path of the sun from east to west, passing through the southern sky. It is also suggestive of the location in southern Thailand.
8. “Swirling rural” adds more life to the poem, and also plays with the rhyming /r/ sounds in each words.
9. “Loves” is clearly more touching and sensitive than “claims” as appears in the first draft.
10. “Mountains and valleys” is literally accurate, but rather predictable. “Mountains and poems” is more spontaneous, unexpected and original. Also, “poems” rhymes with “own” in line 9, adding to the playful relationship between words.
11-13. The last three lines of the poem remain the same as the first draft. Only the arrangement of the lines and spaces has been changed to lighten up the overall mood of the poem.
Is the poem ripe?
Three and a half years passed between the first and second drafts of this poem. That has been plenty of time to realize what the poem needed all along. That is, time, patience, and careful attention to detail.
Any time you write a poem that you like, but feel unable to complete, let it “distill” (aging process for whiskey and wine) in your mind for a while. When you do return to the poem for editing and revising, you can approach the poem in a fresh, original mood.