This column is inspired by a lovely poem submitted by Miss J.J. She is an enthusiastic young poet seeking feedback on her poetry. Compare the two versions of the poem.
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Original Poem |
Revised Poem |
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A Bird in a Golden Cage |
Bird in a Golden Cage |
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1 |
She’s like a bird in a golden cage |
She is a bird in a golden cage |
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2 |
waiting for the day to come |
Waiting for the sun to come |
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3 |
Aimlessly she’s waiting in the shade |
Aimlessly waiting in the shade |
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4 |
moaning desperately for her freedom |
Moaning in vain for freedom |
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5 |
Day and night she cries out so loud |
Day and night she cries so loud |
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6 |
as you can hear her sing |
Hear her desperate song |
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7 |
Constantly her heart would never be proud |
Her heart shows no pride |
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8 |
as long as she live without wing |
While she struggles without wing |
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9 |
The more love you give so tenderly |
The more love you tenderly show |
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10 |
and try to pamper with care |
And pamper her with care |
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11 |
The less happiness she gets daily |
The happiness slowly folds |
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12 |
she would want to come out for air |
She hopes to rise up for air |
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13 |
Let the bird be the bird |
Let the bird be a bird |
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14 |
as most birds could be |
As all birds strive to be |
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15 |
No more pain would be hurt |
No more pain hurts her |
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16 |
and her heart’d be free |
Her heart is set free |
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17 |
Let her songs flow along the wind |
Let her songs flow with the wind |
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18 |
like a big tidal river |
Like a full tidal river |
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19 |
When we hear and welcome her in |
We hear and welcome her in |
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20 |
the songs will go on forever |
Her songs float on forever |
The original poem is very sensitive and full of clear imagery, especially for a young woman writing in English as a foreign language. The suggestions include changes to grammar, word choice, capitalization, and rhyme pattern. Consider whether or not you agree with each suggestion.
First Quatrain, Lines 1 to 4
The simile is changed to metaphor by removing the word “like.” Do you think this change makes the first line stronger and more direct? Waiting (2) is now capitalized. More importantly, day is changed to sun. Does this change make the poem more visual and sensory?
She’s (3) is removed to make the line more concise, which means using fewer words to say the same thing. In vain replaces desperately to create alliteration and near rhyme for the /m/ and /n/ sounds in line 4. Read aloud and judge if it reads more smoothly.
Second Quatrain, Lines 5 to 8
Three words are removed lines 5 and 6 to make the language more concise and direct. Also note that desperate (originally in line 4) has been “recycled” as an adjective to describe the bird’s song. Read these lines aloud and decide if the alliteration of the /h/, /r/, and /s/ sounds is an improvement. Although the rhyme at the end of lines 6 and 8 has been removed, alliteration is kept for the /ng/ sound in song and wing.
Line 7 is shortened by removing several words. Although the perfect rhyme between loud (5) and proud (7) is lost, alliteration of the final /d/ sound in the two words has been maintained. Is this a good compromise between effective word choice and perfect rhyme?
Line 8 is shortened to just five words. The verb struggles is stronger and more specific than lives. Overall, the new line sounds heavier because there are relatively more stressed syllables.
Third Quatrain, Lines 9 to 12
Lines 9 and 11 have end rhymes in the original poem, but they focus only on the suffix /ly/ of each word, rather than the roots of the words. Show and folds are suggested because they have assonance with the long vowel /o/. Furthermore, both lines now end on stressed syllables to show more confidence. The metaphorical word folds is stronger than the literal word gets. Finally, observe the two word changes in line 12. What is the reason for these suggestions?
Fourth Quatrain, Line 13 to 16
By now, the reasons for each suggestion should be clear. Observe the changes in lines 13 to 16 and determine the purpose of each change. What changes would you suggest?
Final Quatrain, Lines 17 to 20
Aside from a few changes in grammar, the only poetic change is using the word full instead of big in line 18. Full creates a good sense of alliteration with the /l/ sound in tidal, and also, when reading aloud, the word full allows the speaker to “sing” the /l/ sound deep in the throat. Read aloud and feel the difference.
Conclusion
The poet may or may not agree or accept each of these suggestions. That, of course, depends on her judgement of poetry. Others may argue that we have no right to interfere with another person’s poetry because it is such a personal form of expression. Indeed, many changes have been suggested, but the heart, or essence, of the poem is preserved.